The silent assassin

A little more personal

Most things I post on facebook because, well it is things that either need to be know to everyone or things that people might chose to read. It is the major reason that I haven't posted here in a long time. Here it is definitely more relaxed and open, even though more people can read it. That being said lets get right down to it. Right now as I am writing this, I can say that finally I am in a good place. I am having a lot of fun in Denver, especially working with my staff. All of them are awesome, funny and I would change it at all. It is definitely a breath of fresh air from Golden, where everything kinda slowly but surely went downhill. I stretched myself so much further than I ever should have, indeed slowly tore myself to pieces. I got through another year at mines, though towards the end it got to be really difficult combined with everything else that was going on. I did date Cassie despite being cautioned by my friends. It was my first real relationship that lasted for any real length of time, and I can honestly say that I don't think it was a mistake at all. I do still care for her to this day, and I know that some people might ask why, and I don't really have an answer. She is one of a very select few who really understands me. It is a shame then, that things had to end the way they did when I left Golden. We broke up because her friend Angela convinced her that I was evil beyond belief, and I didn't know how to read her when she wanted to have sex, and we never got that far. I never left her side, never stood in her way whenever she needed help with anything even after we broke up. She found someone else to preform faster and I let it go, although it really wasn't my choosing.

I learned that I am really good at reading people early in the year, and I began to have more trust in myself , more confidence, which is an amazing thing to have, considering I came from the shy guy in the corner who couldn't ever approach anyone. I learned that being bold and confident are the best ways to get to know people. It is also a good for respect and dignity. I was kinda a doormat for a long time because I had little confidence in myself. Being cocky though, isn't a good position though because you lose your edge and laziness sets in. I went out and learned how to dance, with much success and I'm no longer afraid of dance floors. I'm not the best but I can hold my own. I also learned that I'm decent at writing, and I am really good helping people with issues, both mental and emotional. I guess learning to listen was a good thing after all. Listening and remembering key details also have other benefits.

I was stretched thin at that point though because coming out of being everyone's doormat and trying to vie for respect isn't an easy task. That combined with the stress of school and the desire to date again, wore me dangerously thin. Cassie and I got close again though and I really had the desire to go back and redo the whole thing right the second time. It is something that I don't think I will ever be able to completely get out of my mind. We came so close and I know that she felt the same way because we talked about it many times when she was drunk. I knew it was hurting her the same way it was me, but whenever she was sober she forgot the night before and therefore I didn't really have the grounds to bring it up.

Now it seems like a dream because I don't see her ever bringing it up to me again. I knew we were close though so I was always there for her, and the night that I had to stay and watch over her when she tried to drink herself into a coma was a wonderful night for both of us. Bad circumstances to be sure, but we really came to the same page and I was incredibly happy. From there on out I was the one that she came to to talk to, which didn't bother me at all. We had our fair share of flirty conversations, but Angela made sure that we never went back to where we had been. I could have been there for her indefinitely because when you care for someone it is very hard to turn your back on them. It only bugged me when she decided to talk to me about other people that I couldn't help but feel like I was the one being used as an emotional dishrag. It wasn't the fact that there were other people, just that I was always the one that she came to to talk to, but I was isolated from ever seeing her otherwise. I got pulled out of the situation by my roommates, although it wasn't easy and it was a bit harsh. They basically forced the issue of either I was by her side or she had no right to do anything. She chose the latter which hurts, simply because it's always hard to lose a good friend. It was her choice though and I respected it. I still do miss her, but it's her call, hopefully things get somewhat better before work in the fall because it will be awkward.

School was a relief when it ended, and although I want to go out and try to learn new things, enjoy my life, I do have that desire to date again, not sure who but it is something that I really love doing. It was also a relief when I became financially more stable because towards the end it was a real concern for me, which combined with everything else made me so weak and really depressed for a while. My recent bug besides dating is a weird desire to become proficient in spanish and tango, as well as guitar. Hopefully I will be successful this summer. It is looking to be a good summer anyway, but hopefully it gets to be memorable. I have new skills now and hopefully I will be able to use them, in addition to being more active and energetic

Well I know it was way long, but sometimes I like to clear my head and come back to calm and tranquility. Life is crazy, and now I'm able to go with the flow and see what the world has to offer. Maybe she might stumble across this I realize, but it isn't a bad thing for her to know indeed for anyone to know why I was depressed, why I looked like I was going crazy. I had a lot of people worried, but in times of high struggle and hardship, everyone only has a limited amount of flexibility

Peace and Love everyone
Jens Jensen

posted by J @ 9:21 PM