the story as well as I know it
So then this is the basic story of how everything that has happened progressed from the whole previous year. We shall start with my appendicitis as it was the main start of everything to follow. Technically before this Cassie and I had been very close, doing many things together. We started dating shortly after I went in for my surgery. It was at this point that I realized that I needed to change some things that had been plaguing me from high school. I was striving to be more confident and socially adept, which I did after much work get to the point that I am at now. Now almost any situation is comfortable to me. I didn't date much in high school because I was quite shy and timid which didn't translate well into college.Anyway that shit ended with the entry of Scott because apparently being respectful, combined with a little nervous, I was deemed unworthy. I also didn't want to rush things because being told stories of how the guy before moved too fast and hearing about the aftermath isn't really a green light to move forward, even to me who was completely blind to non-verbal language. Anyway shit ended for a time there, and I had a few bad nights, but I managed to brush it off and be numb to the whole situation, although a little depressed at times. School wasn't bad although not as good as I expected because being out for a week at mines isn't really the best of ideas.
In addition to that my car got hit and damn near totaled, and I should have gotten another one because it then decided to crap out parts systematically and it would have just been cheaper to get a new one. My computer suffered the same fate shortly after I decided to upgrade some components.
Christmas break was great fun for me, full of dancing and good fun. I learned a lot about being social and reading people from it, and there was the whole Maria incident. Then I went back to Golden for round two. Work was a little hard initially but we made it work out so that things were still close and friendly. Our conversations were good, though not always clean. Some of our drunk conversations, however were evidence to an underlying mutual feeling, a mutual caring that we both wanted. Indeed when I went over the night that she tried to get alcohol poisoning we were on the same page. From there things just got worse.
I did what I did because I care for her, and although we fight sometimes, I never meant to hurt her. From there we started to be there for each other when it was necessary, until her friend took control and changed everything. I started to slip because I did in fact become her emotional/mental support during the hard times. It took far too long for me to realize that I was basically being used as her "gay friend". I had essentially the role of a boyfriend in terms of being there for her when she needed my help ( save for anything fun or beneficial to me) and even got chewed out when I wasn't there for her, but I, like a dumbass put up with it. It started to be a problem when it strained my friends and family, which was about the time I started to get fed up with it. That was about two weeks ago. I got worn down to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore, especially when I start being told about things that are going well for her, and I'm in a bit of shock because I'm the one doing all of the work.
To be honest dating wouldn't have been bad again, and at the time I did consider it, but not like this it has to be a mutual thing where work is done by both parties. It isn't the caring that is the issue for me, but my friends didn't deserve what happened, my stress or my energy. I'm really surprised that people stuck by me through it all. And on Wednesday my really close friends took action on my behalf. I put myself into a haze and let it happen because it needed to be done and because I care I don't know that I would have ever been able to stand up. Now I can because I fully expect there to be a round 3 where I will not back down from what I need to say should this come back at my doorstep. Never again will I be the bitch used for someone else's personal gain. I don 't mind helping friends, but my true friends have never, indeed I don't think ever will use that to their advantage. It isn't something that anyone should have in their life.
I don't think that she is truly evil, or that that she fully knew what she put me through, but at least for now it's over and for the time being I'm really happy and way more energetic, in a good way. I still need to go out and meet people and be social, but I have a great staff to work with and time to do what I want to do. Mines is going fine for me, and now I can say that worrying about money is essentially over, or at least it will be soon. If the situation ever comes back to the forefront I will deal with it then and rest assured if talking is involved I will make damn sure that it is known that it will never be like it was before. I do have guardian angles in a way, and they pulled me from a self-destructive situation when it was most needed. Now I'm at peace and ready to take on the world if need be. I do still care for her and wish her the best, but shit the way it was is over and now things are changing for the better.
Peace and Love
Jens C. Jensen
Yes I know it was long but it was something that I felt compelled to write.
posted by J @ 10:06 PM
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