equality never means equal
I'm sure that the people reading this have all encountered this problem, some group or another demanding equality with another with whom they feel disenfranchised. They want more pay, more benefits, and better opportunities. That's all well and good but they call it this thing called equality, which is exactly what it isn't. Take for instance the handicapped; they push mostly for equal access to facilities that everyone can use. A very admirable goal indeed and one that should be heard and respected. However it isn't exactly what they want. Anyone who has been to an amusement park in recent history knows the lines are long and tedious. So places like Disneyland install ramps and elevators and all so that those in wheelchairs can have access. But they also want the same people to mandate that they get put on first in line. Of course it would be equal if they had to wait too but they want the ability to ride, without the hassle of having to wait, because that's not fair...I'm confused Or take for example the feminist; they desire equal wages, equal rights and equal consideration. Wonderful, but I'm sure if we had the titanic again, even the hardest feminist would be pushing people to the side and throwing men overboard under the consideration " women and children first" Because when it comes to the benefit of chilvalry, oh we suddenly don't want to be equal. If you were you should be right there next to me listening to the band sing "row row row the boat..." Or when someone breaks into our house suddenly I find myself up to bat to confront the guy with the gun... Like if I go down to check it out he is going to put the gun down and we will enjoy a beer, but if you go down it will be dangerous. Now understand I practice chivalry, but fair is fair. However there will be one exception, for those who want to go topless because men can, I agree. Another example is the illegal immigrants. Now disregarding the fact that they are illegal because I can't see how it is fair to make them take a test about our nation that the majority of natural citizens can't pass. But they want equal pay, which is fine, and social security when they are older I understand. And unemployment that's ok. But taxes, well to that it becomes no habla engles. Oh wait we don't want to pay taxes sorry. When it comes to English too the excuse is simple I want to protect my heritage so I can't be bothered to learn your language. Then here is your shit job and shit pay next. I wouldn't expect if I went to Mexico that I would be given the luxury to speak my native tongue so neither should you. Keep in mind there are some people wanting equality for humble reasons, which is honorable. One such group is those for gay marriage. Why not? Although the Catholic Church promotes that it is wrong and immoral, marriage was for thousands of years, not a religious institution. This coming from my pastor mind you. Marriage was handed to the church because the courts in medieval Europe couldn't handle the record keeping and the church was given the job to prevent incest and forced marriage and such. Besides the church apparently has little problem with sodomizing little boys, seeing as how the Pope moved priest around knowing what was going on. Yes I'm catholic and I do believe, but the church is run by men and sometimes men are flawed. And as for the bicycles that feel that equality entitles them to ride their bike in the middle of the street, you are retarded that's why we have sidewalks and bike paths, just for you :) Peace and love
A little more personal
Most things I post on facebook because, well it is things that either need to be know to everyone or things that people might chose to read. It is the major reason that I haven't posted here in a long time. Here it is definitely more relaxed and open, even though more people can read it. That being said lets get right down to it. Right now as I am writing this, I can say that finally I am in a good place. I am having a lot of fun in Denver, especially working with my staff. All of them are awesome, funny and I would change it at all. It is definitely a breath of fresh air from Golden, where everything kinda slowly but surely went downhill. I stretched myself so much further than I ever should have, indeed slowly tore myself to pieces. I got through another year at mines, though towards the end it got to be really difficult combined with everything else that was going on. I did date Cassie despite being cautioned by my friends. It was my first real relationship that lasted for any real length of time, and I can honestly say that I don't think it was a mistake at all. I do still care for her to this day, and I know that some people might ask why, and I don't really have an answer. She is one of a very select few who really understands me. It is a shame then, that things had to end the way they did when I left Golden. We broke up because her friend Angela convinced her that I was evil beyond belief, and I didn't know how to read her when she wanted to have sex, and we never got that far. I never left her side, never stood in her way whenever she needed help with anything even after we broke up. She found someone else to preform faster and I let it go, although it really wasn't my choosing.
I learned that I am really good at reading people early in the year, and I began to have more trust in myself , more confidence, which is an amazing thing to have, considering I came from the shy guy in the corner who couldn't ever approach anyone. I learned that being bold and confident are the best ways to get to know people. It is also a good for respect and dignity. I was kinda a doormat for a long time because I had little confidence in myself. Being cocky though, isn't a good position though because you lose your edge and laziness sets in. I went out and learned how to dance, with much success and I'm no longer afraid of dance floors. I'm not the best but I can hold my own. I also learned that I'm decent at writing, and I am really good helping people with issues, both mental and emotional. I guess learning to listen was a good thing after all. Listening and remembering key details also have other benefits.
I was stretched thin at that point though because coming out of being everyone's doormat and trying to vie for respect isn't an easy task. That combined with the stress of school and the desire to date again, wore me dangerously thin. Cassie and I got close again though and I really had the desire to go back and redo the whole thing right the second time. It is something that I don't think I will ever be able to completely get out of my mind. We came so close and I know that she felt the same way because we talked about it many times when she was drunk. I knew it was hurting her the same way it was me, but whenever she was sober she forgot the night before and therefore I didn't really have the grounds to bring it up.
Now it seems like a dream because I don't see her ever bringing it up to me again. I knew we were close though so I was always there for her, and the night that I had to stay and watch over her when she tried to drink herself into a coma was a wonderful night for both of us. Bad circumstances to be sure, but we really came to the same page and I was incredibly happy. From there on out I was the one that she came to to talk to, which didn't bother me at all. We had our fair share of flirty conversations, but Angela made sure that we never went back to where we had been. I could have been there for her indefinitely because when you care for someone it is very hard to turn your back on them. It only bugged me when she decided to talk to me about other people that I couldn't help but feel like I was the one being used as an emotional dishrag. It wasn't the fact that there were other people, just that I was always the one that she came to to talk to, but I was isolated from ever seeing her otherwise. I got pulled out of the situation by my roommates, although it wasn't easy and it was a bit harsh. They basically forced the issue of either I was by her side or she had no right to do anything. She chose the latter which hurts, simply because it's always hard to lose a good friend. It was her choice though and I respected it. I still do miss her, but it's her call, hopefully things get somewhat better before work in the fall because it will be awkward.
School was a relief when it ended, and although I want to go out and try to learn new things, enjoy my life, I do have that desire to date again, not sure who but it is something that I really love doing. It was also a relief when I became financially more stable because towards the end it was a real concern for me, which combined with everything else made me so weak and really depressed for a while. My recent bug besides dating is a weird desire to become proficient in spanish and tango, as well as guitar. Hopefully I will be successful this summer. It is looking to be a good summer anyway, but hopefully it gets to be memorable. I have new skills now and hopefully I will be able to use them, in addition to being more active and energetic
Well I know it was way long, but sometimes I like to clear my head and come back to calm and tranquility. Life is crazy, and now I'm able to go with the flow and see what the world has to offer. Maybe she might stumble across this I realize, but it isn't a bad thing for her to know indeed for anyone to know why I was depressed, why I looked like I was going crazy. I had a lot of people worried, but in times of high struggle and hardship, everyone only has a limited amount of flexibility
Peace and Love everyone
Jens Jensen
just relax
It has come to my attention that some people don't believe that I can keep true to my current mandate. Rest assured, I have taken the necessary steps, namely blanking out my phone, and keeping my silence. Nothing will change on my end unless I get to have my say. I'm therefore going to say my mindset here, although I wish she could see it because it might be beneficial.
My overall opinion is that what was said and done was exactly what needed to be said. Cassie crossed a line, that I couldn't, but it was a line that was meant for the boyfriend/ " buddy". I had not the disposition to address the issue myself, but in the end it came out. I don't regret it because it brought to light something that I couldn't see. I have no problem helping people when they need it, regardless of what it may be, just ask and, provided that it is something that I can do, I will. Bringing to my attention certain other things though, is definitely crossing the line. Unless they are presented in a certain
context, in which case I don't mind. It isn't that I don't care or miss it, but as a general rule, everyone has a tolerance, and I have reached that point. As far as I am concerned the situation is closed and unless she changes it, it shall remain that way. It hurts a little that it had to end how it did, but I realize that change sometimes is brought about by hardships.
That being said, my phone and computer are clean, simply because my gift is listening to people and finding out what I chose to know. That and I'm really good at clean up as well as being there for people when they need me. This is relevant because I know that if my phone wasn't clean and my " energy" came back I could get back into the exact same place that I was before. Don't believe that I have that skill, just watch me in other situations. I'm only a half step down from my friend Ian when I set my mind to something, and he was the man who could meet someone and in the course of 2 hours be back in the bedroom, believe me, I've seen it done. It has to do with the ability to listen and remember all of the necessary things, and many of the not so important. That combined with good sense is a deadly combination. I am not quite as good, but I could definitely accomplish the same feat in slightly more time. He was a player in every sense, and I learned well from him. I however have restraint. But I know that if I had my phone set, I would end up in that situation when my energy spiked, so it's best that I don't.
Rest assured that provided that things are stagnant, I will stay god to my word, and she will hear my full honest opinion if she ever decides to come to me wanting to talk. I have my mind set on other things, so don't bring it up and neither will I, I promise.
Oh and on a side note, I am almost done with another writing piece, my papa is doing much better (I went to go see him today) , and I now plan to get really started on my learning spanish. No explanation why, just felt like it was something to take up and get good at.
Love ya always,
Jens
the story as well as I know it
So then this is the basic story of how everything that has happened progressed from the whole previous year. We shall start with my appendicitis as it was the main start of everything to follow. Technically before this Cassie and I had been very close, doing many things together. We started dating shortly after I went in for my surgery. It was at this point that I realized that I needed to change some things that had been plaguing me from high school. I was striving to be more confident and socially adept, which I did after much work get to the point that I am at now. Now almost any situation is comfortable to me. I didn't date much in high school because I was quite shy and timid which didn't translate well into college.
Anyway that shit ended with the entry of Scott because apparently being respectful, combined with a little nervous, I was deemed unworthy. I also didn't want to rush things because being told stories of how the guy before moved too fast and hearing about the aftermath isn't really a green light to move forward, even to me who was completely blind to non-verbal language. Anyway shit ended for a time there, and I had a few bad nights, but I managed to brush it off and be numb to the whole situation, although a little depressed at times. School wasn't bad although not as good as I expected because being out for a week at mines isn't really the best of ideas.
In addition to that my car got hit and damn near totaled, and I should have gotten another one because it then decided to crap out parts systematically and it would have just been cheaper to get a new one. My computer suffered the same fate shortly after I decided to upgrade some components.
Christmas break was great fun for me, full of dancing and good fun. I learned a lot about being social and reading people from it, and there was the whole Maria incident. Then I went back to Golden for round two. Work was a little hard initially but we made it work out so that things were still close and friendly. Our conversations were good, though not always clean. Some of our drunk conversations, however were evidence to an underlying mutual feeling, a mutual caring that we both wanted. Indeed when I went over the night that she tried to get alcohol poisoning we were on the same page. From there things just got worse.
I did what I did because I care for her, and although we fight sometimes, I never meant to hurt her. From there we started to be there for each other when it was necessary, until her friend took control and changed everything. I started to slip because I did in fact become her emotional/mental support during the hard times. It took far too long for me to realize that I was basically being used as her "gay friend". I had essentially the role of a boyfriend in terms of being there for her when she needed my help ( save for anything fun or beneficial to me) and even got chewed out when I wasn't there for her, but I, like a dumbass put up with it. It started to be a problem when it strained my friends and family, which was about the time I started to get fed up with it. That was about two weeks ago. I got worn down to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore, especially when I start being told about things that are going well for her, and I'm in a bit of shock because I'm the one doing all of the work.
To be honest dating wouldn't have been bad again, and at the time I did consider it, but not like this it has to be a mutual thing where work is done by both parties. It isn't the caring that is the issue for me, but my friends didn't deserve what happened, my stress or my energy. I'm really surprised that people stuck by me through it all. And on Wednesday my really close friends took action on my behalf. I put myself into a haze and let it happen because it needed to be done and because I care I don't know that I would have ever been able to stand up. Now I can because I fully expect there to be a round 3 where I will not back down from what I need to say should this come back at my doorstep. Never again will I be the bitch used for someone else's personal gain. I don 't mind helping friends, but my true friends have never, indeed I don't think ever will use that to their advantage. It isn't something that anyone should have in their life.
I don't think that she is truly evil, or that that she fully knew what she put me through, but at least for now it's over and for the time being I'm really happy and way more energetic, in a good way. I still need to go out and meet people and be social, but I have a great staff to work with and time to do what I want to do. Mines is going fine for me, and now I can say that worrying about money is essentially over, or at least it will be soon. If the situation ever comes back to the forefront I will deal with it then and rest assured if talking is involved I will make damn sure that it is known that it will never be like it was before. I do have guardian angles in a way, and they pulled me from a self-destructive situation when it was most needed. Now I'm at peace and ready to take on the world if need be. I do still care for her and wish her the best, but shit the way it was is over and now things are changing for the better.
Peace and Love
Jens C. Jensen
Yes I know it was long but it was something that I felt compelled to write.
writing exercise
After dinner had been prepared and the candles had been lit I sat down and admired my work. It was a normal night, but something in the air felt different. Maybe it was the warmth of the oven or the ambiance that the candles gave off. Whatever it was, the night was definitely special. It had been many years since I had seen her and my mind was racing with the questions of what to say and what to do. So much had changed, but the fire and passion for her still burned through every ounce of my body. Then the doorbell rang. I got up to answer the door and practically fell to my knees in her radiant beauty. She was wearing a low cut black dress that was slit on the side, nice black heels, and silky smooth pearl earings that went almost to her shoulders. What was most stunning was the diamond necklace that adorned her neck. It was the same necklace that I had given her so long ago. We sat down for dinner and talked about the past and what the future might have in store. I could tell when looked into each other's eyes that she was the girl for me. After dinner we decided to stay at home and watch a movie in my room. The atmosphere was electric as we laid down together to watch the movie. As we sat there talking and watching the movie we both knew what was right. As I looked into her soft blue eyes, I melted inside. I had tried to be the strong one for both of us, but she was the one who could get through my defenses without even trying. The only words that needed to be said were" mi amor." As we kissed I could feel the energy flowing through our bodies. As I began to caress her body I could feel her heart beat with mine. Her skin was smooth as silk. It all made sense as I began to massage her inner thighs, this was right. Her breast were so soft and tender to the touch. I could feel her body heat as I began kissing her breast. The past was behind us now, we had finally heard the call of destiny. When my lips met hers, the energy was so intense that the bed shook. The tounge apparently is a multipurpose organ. As two became one the energy surged to levels never before felt. In the end the bed broke and just as the energy and tension had began, they vanished as we collapsed into each other's arms. In her arms I was completely defenseless. Destiny has ways of showing you the truth if you only listen to your heart. Peace and Love Everyone
Jens
the true way to piss me off
So sorry I haven't wrote but i have been busy collecting my mental stability.
I can't believe that my roommates almost got me to snap and actually fight back. I don't really enjoy fighting because well I just don't see the point in it. Shit got bad on Sunday when I had problems working on cars, my parents knew I was under a lot of stress and that I was kinda depressed. However they decided that this was the perfect time to attack me on virtually everything that was stressful, including school, money, my broken car, my phone, my girlfriend ( although she came to my side later and allowed me to hold it together) I had to leave because although it was a dick move on their part I love my family just like I love my friends and roommates. It was a 7 minute drive to Golden where my roommates began to fuck with me and give me shit for not hugging my girlfriend over the weekend. They will never understand that it isn't that I didn't want to it is that I very seldom actually have feelings for someone and that I no longer trust my intuitions because the last girl I loved and thought that she felt the same way threw it in my face and it really hurt. As a result I just don't trust my intuitions about people or situations. Anyway they tried to piss me off and since i was already knocked off balance I almost broke and fought back. I am lucky that I have a massive tolerance for anger because for almost anyone else they would have cracked. Bottling up stress, depression and then adding anger on top is not good for the body. So the real key to piss me off is to know that I'm stressed, and depressed and then attack me directly for something that is already on my mind, not indirectly . And for my roommates(AJ) who will be reading this Sunday was a dick thing to do, but it only works if I'm stressed and depressed like Sunday, and you have to know what is bugging me and hit it directly. If I'm on center forget it because I have more tolerance for your shit than you will ever know.
Peace and Love
Jens
this one is for me
So I recently took my roommates advice, or rather a challenge to change my current destructive path of behavior. I decided to change something that has been a plaque within me for many years. I will admit that without his push it might have never come about. I don't really know why I agreed to take his challenge, especially because well it was my primary means of relieving stress and making myself completely invincible to emotions. No it isn't alcohol. This spans many more years than I have been drinking. It was a call that I haven't tried for over 6 years. So far it hasn't been easy, and it has completely made me very scatterbrained. I haven't felt many emotions for so long. I have completely lost the ability to really be angry, which is good because well if I had a short temper it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing. I still am able to control my anger to a degree that I have yet to see from anyone. It is nice to have really strong feelings again, finally feeling human once more. I chose my behavior as a means to escape all of the pain of rejection. It is also really nice to have confidence come back to what it was before all of this. The healing will take time, but I can finally stand on my two feet, ready to take whatever life has to throw at me. My roommate saw a problem and addressed it and now I am doing it for me. I missed so much during this time and I am sorry to everyone for my actions. Hey on the bright side I am now almost able to look people in the eyes with confidence.
Peace and love
Jens
the week from hell
I think it is official to say that karma is a bitch and she has finally came back to beat my ass into the pavement. It started on Monday when I woke up with a sore throat and clogged sinuses. In and of itself not bad drinking that night felt really really weird. I thought alcohol was supposed to kill germs right. So on Tuesday I get informed that I am required to be in Denver to celebrate my brothers birthday. As I was leaving the bank some elderly man turned left into me. I don't mean he turned left and cut me off I mean he went right into the side of my car. It was drivable ( his wasn't ) but my alignment feels off and I now have a large gap between my hood and the body. I think this is a good indication that it is totaled (cross my fingers that it can be repaired). I took my parents other car up to school and the school network was down so I couldn't do the HW until Wednesday which sucked up about 3 hours of my day. Last night I got a call from this girl I work with saying basically that she wanted me to stay the night. She was obviously drunk so I declined multiple times which pissed her off. I actually was responsible and apparently her and her friend made me out to be the bad guy. Lastly, the power went off at my house last night and as a result my alarm clock failed to go off. I woke up about 7AM and realized that I was supposed to be at work 45 minutes earlier. I went to work and thankfully my boss wasn't terribly pissed off, he just told me not to make a pattern of it. With my luck I can only assume that this evening will somehow turn into a disaster. Currently I am just really bored.
Peace and love
Jens
