I hate getting sick
I am officially sick yet again. I can't wait until tomorrow to see how bad it actually gets. I drank a little on Monday night, and woke up feeling fabulous. It was suprising because I didn't get much sleep and I usually feel crappy if I don't get about four hours of sleep. I went to my only class at 8 and went to Chipotle. After that I crashed for about three hours on my bed. I mean I literally passed out. It was the kind of sleep where you hit the pillow and you are gone. I woke up and I couldn't shake cold chills until just about an half of an hour ago. I hope that it doesn't last very long. Given the time to think today I tried to clear my mind and figure out where to go in my life from here. I like how everything is moving now and it feels like I have control, but there is defiantly something missing. I hate being confident and in control of some parts of my life, and still feel like something is gone. I would like to be completely definite, with a set path and be completely locked in. I blame myself for it namely because at mines I have definitely unbalanced my life. I just let some things go in order to do better in certain things, and while success came finally it was a kind of shallow victory . I let some very important things go that should have really had priority. Anyway I should probably get sleep and try to feel better tomorrow .
Love always
Jens
Love is a lie
I finally have the energy to write, and I will before I don't feel like it anymore. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, just no motivation to do so. To start off I will say that this post has about three parts.
First, on Saturday I heard the most thought provoking arguement in a long time. It came from my priest and I was shocked. He was talking about abortion in his homily and he came to the point that we shouldn't care so much about laws for or against abortion. What we should be more concerned about is the reasons that people have abortions in the first place. Whether or not it's legal doesn't matter unless you chose to adress the problem. The main reason that people have abortions is that America has made sex into something that is dirty, it has become something that is confined soley to the bedroom and it is something that is shameful and disgraceful. It's sad if you really tyhink about it, we would rather allow excessive violence rather than beautiful sex. Look in the media and you'll see what I mean. Namely Hillary Clinton and the San Andreas incident. We would rather hide and eliminate sex from anything. Never mind that the game is based in the idea that you can go on an all out massacre and be fine, but having sex in the game, that was "over the line". I don't know about you, but I would rather my children be exposed to sex in context and the beauty of the human body long before violence. I don't know when sex became taboo, but it absolutly shouldn't be. Anyway back to abortion, The main reason that people have abortions is because of the shame that so many families put on sex. Girls can't just face their parents and admit that they had sex. It is a sad day when abortion is chosen because we make the alternative so much worse. Sadly enough this happens more in families that the parents are more religious. I'm not saying that premarital sex is good, but if it becomes something far worse than an abortion, then we have failed.
Now for the second part. I have ultimatly decided that love causes nothing but pain. I am sure that everyone who reads this has heard the saying, that if you love something, let it go, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. I used to buy into that, but I have finally given up on emotions and feelings. I realize that true love is the unconditional support and backing of someone regardless of choices made. True love means letting someone makes their own choices and being there for support if they need you. However when I let go of love, I have never gotten anything other than dissapointment. Hell I've gotten love back except from family. It makes me wonder if I was wrong on all counts. Once I was too inexperienced, once I was too far on the outside, and once I was just not visable. I always get shit from people when I say I have never been kissed. Therefore I have decidedly given up on all emotions and feelings. Maybe reason will serve me better.
Last, is merely an update, classes are fine, I now have a job interview, and I have successfully created two liters of absinthe. Friday i will try it and try to write. Now I have a physics test calling. I am also awaiting fall break on Monday and snow for snowboarding. If I am needed call me, I will be here always.
Love
Jens
